but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.
Oh, Captain Sham.
Would you come to my house for dinner this evening?
- No! - No!
Oh, no, I don't know about that, mum.
I'm afeard I might scuff up the floors with this old cribbage peg.
Well, I will lay down newspapers.
Please, the children are going to make a lovely dinner of puttanesca.
The very meal I ate before they took me leg!
Oh, my goodness. Well, children, I'm going to take Captain Sham home.
And you stay here and shop for an entirely puttanesca-free dinner.
- But-- - "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.
Aunt Josephine.
Hey, you haven't paid for that.
Kids today.
Aunt Josephine?
Are you here?
Aunt Jo?
Are you here?
Aunt Josephine?
Oh, no.
No.
We're too late.
What does it say?
It's a suicide note.
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny, by the time you read this, my life will be at its end.
My heart is as cold as lke, and I find life inbearable."
"lnbearable"?
Go on.
"l know you children may not understand the sad life of a dowadg--"
"Dowager" has one D.
It doesn't matter. Keep going.
"--or what would have led to this desperate akt." "Act" is spelled with a C.
It's a suicide note. Why are you checking spelling?
She said her greatest joy in life was grammar.
Why is she making all these mistakes?
If you were about to jump out a window,
you might make a few spelling mistakes too.
"Please know that I am much happier this way.
As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham,
a kind and honorable man."
That was his plan. He made her write this note,
and then he pushed her out the window.
No. It's not a suicide note. It's a message.
It's not supposed to be "lke," it's supposed to be "ice." C.
And "unbearable" with a U.
All the way over to Curdled Cave, way over there.
She's not dead. She's hiding.
Curdled Cave?
Sunny!
He was investigating fires.
Klaus, we gotta go.
Come away from the fridge.
What?
If it falls, it could crush you flat.
No way.
Is it over?
Violet, you better tie your hair up.
Violet, ideas?
Bring me that fire extinguisher.
Why?
Because we need to move this anchor over there.
- What? - Just help me.
On three, we're gonna break that beam.
- Break it? - Yes.
- That's the only thing keeping us up. - Exactly.
Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?
On three.
One.
Two.
Three.
Wait.
Wait. Hold on, Sunny.
Now!
What do we do now?
She's alive. We have to go to the authorities.
- No. - What?
- They won't listen. They never listen. - Violet!
It's Olaf. He'll never stop. We have to find her ourselves.
Hey, you kids.
It's Captain Sham, your new guardian.
You just stay where you're at, and we'll come where you're to.
Ever read any books on sailing?
Klaus had read exactly 15 books on sailing and two books on meteorology.
But it is one thing to do something in theory,
another to do it in practice.
Little could have prepared them for the crossing to Curdled Cave
at the hands of an angry and ill-humored lake.
But as the storm passed and the waters calmed,
the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel a small sense of accomplishment.
A rare moment of joy in their otherwise woeful lives.
They had made it.
And if their guardian could not rescue them,
then they would rescue their guardian.
Aunt Josephine?
Are you in here?
Aunt Josephine!
Oh, children.
You did it! You deciphered the clues in my note.
We're so glad you're okay.
It was so horrible.
Count Olaf forced me to write that will,
and then it nearly killed me to add in all those grammatical errors.
So did you bring groceries?
Groceries? We just came through a storm.
Well, so? How do you expect us to live in this cave
if you didn't bring any food?
Live in the cave?
No, no, no. Aunt Josephine, you have to come back with us.
You willed us to Captain Sham. You're the only proof we have it's a lie.
No, no, no, no. No, no, it's much too dangerous, children. I'm very sorry.
Too dangerous? You're our guardian. You're supposed to take care of us.
I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.
You know, Aunt Josephine, Curdled Cave is for sale.
So?
So before too long, people are gonna come to look at it.
And some of those people will be realtors.
Aunt Josephine,
what does this mean?
Where did you find that?
I found it in lke's room.
The fires.
Why was he investigating fires?
We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and...
Our parents.
They were our leaders.
Children,
there are good people and bad people in the world.
The ones who start the fires and the ones who put them out.
Who's doing this?
Is it Olaf?
I've said too much already. Your parents knew the answer to that,
and look what happened to them.
Our parents? What did they say?
We should never have left that cave.
It's not too late for us to turn around now,
and I'll just take my chances with the realtors.
Aunt Josephine,
what did our parents say?
We're going to die.
- What? - It's the leeches!
I guess it's a good thing none of us have eaten in a while then.
Aunt Josephine!
There's a crack in the boat!
Klaus, what do we do? They're eating the boat!
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.
- Klaus, paddle, please. - Doomed. Doomed.
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.
There's a boat. Over here! Over here!
But as unpleasant as Lachrymose leeches can be,
there was something far more unpleasant arriving out of the fog.
Hello, hello, hello.
I missed you guys.
Looks like you could use a little assistance.
You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town.
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened.
Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail,
and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian,
spending your time inventing things and reading books
and sharpening your little monkey teeth.
And bravery and nobility will prevail at last.
And this wicked world will slowly but surely become
a place of cheerful harmony.
And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling
Iike the Littlest Elf.
A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?
Because I hardly think that anybody is going to believe a dead woman.
You're not gonna touch Aunt Josephine.
She'll tell everyone what happened.
No, no, no, no, I won't tell anybody anything. I promise.
Please don't throw me to the leeches.
You can have the fortune. You can have the children.
Aunt Josephine!
Please.
Welcome aboard. Hot potato.
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair. I'll change my name.
- But what about us? - Quiet, child. The adults are talking.
- I suppose I don't have to kill you. - No.
On the other hand, with that little stunt of yours at the window,
you hadn't been a very trustworthy person.
But...
...I could show a little mercy.
"Haven't."
What?
You said "hadn't." That's bad grammar. You should've said,
"You haven't been a very trustworthy person."
Thank you for correcting me.
Not at all.
No. No, no, no, no, no. Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine!
- Aunt Josephine. - You can't--
- Aunt Josephine. Aunt-- - Aunt Josephine. Jump!
Well, you get the picture.
Aunt Josephine.
Well, we've done all we can do.
Everybody be cool.
Children? Is that you?
Mr. Poe! We're--
Drowning.
I saved him! I saved the boy from the leeches!
Back to the depths, you fingery devils.
You will not devour this boy's head today.
Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
I know, I know. I shouldn't have come.
But when I heard the children were in danger, I had to.
Even if I'm not...
...fit to be their guardian.
It appears I was wrong about you, Count Olaf.
- No! - No.
You have proven yourself to be an exceptionally capable guardian.
And I would be remiss in my responsibility
if I did not place the children with you immediately.
- Why, if it weren't for you, the-- - Don't say it!
I can't stand the thought of losing my little treasures.
Even the thought of the massive inheritance
would be a constant reminder of my heartache.
Well, well, there's no need to fret about that.
The law clearly states that you would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune
if anything happened to the children.
Say what?
No, no. With the exception, of course, of blood relatives and married couples.
Really?
Mr. Poe,
have I told you about our new play?
Critic.
Critic!
Cape, sir.
Don't try to get on my good side.
What is he up to? Why are we in the play?
He's using this as a prop. It says that if two people are married,
they're entitled to any money that either of them has.
No, but it's just a play. He can't get our fortune by marrying me in a play.
Can't l?
Conspirators. "Caesar must die. Caesar must die. Caesar must die."
In order to be a valid marriage,
it has to be administered by a bona fide justice of the peace.
It says so right here.
Justice Strauss, are you ready for your debut?
Look at you. Violet, you look so beautiful.
You are the bride, I'm the judge. Who's the groom?
No, Justice Strauss, you don't understand. The play is real.
Yes! Yes.
It must be real. That's why I cast you.
All the other actors I saw lacked the proper--
What's the word I'm looking for?
- Hair? - Hands?
Verisimilitude.
Now, remember, Justice Strauss,
you must say the words exactly as you would in a real wedding.
Get it absolutely right. There are talent scouts in the audience
Iooking for someone your age. It's all riding on this one.
Why did you have to tell me that? Oh, my God.
Take her to makeup.
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.
This is ridiculous. Violet's only 14. She can't be legally married.
She can if she has the permission of her guardian.
And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!
Look it up, bookworm.
Yes. Once you say "l do" and sign the marriage certificate,
you'll really be my loverly bride.
You'll cook and clean and massage my bunions
and clip my thick, yellow toenails.
Hey, marriage is no picnic. You gotta work at it.
I'll never say "l do." Never.
I think you might...
...once you look up there.
Let her go!
Gladly. Let her go.
- No! - Put a hold on that.
If you don't say "l do,"
or if anything should happen to interrupt this performance,
I say one word into this,
and down will come baby, cradle and all.
Clang!
How could you? She's an infant.
Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.
Violet.
You're 1 4 years old.
You should know by now that you can't have everything you want.
You want a life of happiness? A roof over your head?
A place to call your own and all that jazz?
And what about what I want?
I want that enormous fortune
and for all investigations against me to cease.
You're going to help me get what I want...
...tonight.
My public awaits.
Ladies and gentlemen, could you put your appendages together
for The Marvelouse Marriage.
No. You're not gonna go through with this.
I have to.
No, come on. There's always something.
No, not this time.
But...
Camel, you're on.
- Go, Klaus. - Violet.
Go!
Move your hump, camel. You're on.
Nothing in the world will keep The count from his beloved bride
Nothing in the world Nothing in the world
Nothing Nothing
What a marvelous day for a marriage.
If only the handsome count were here to claim his bride.
With his full head of hair and great bravery,
the count has no equal.
What would Violet do?
The courageous battle has waylaid him.
There's always something. There's always something.
And a quiet, bald-headed suitor
has stolen the bride's affections.
Alas. The groom is a cad.
And nowhere near as handsome as the count.
If only for a miracle.
Some way for the handsome count to come and save...
What a thoroughly unmarvelous marriage this will be.
But wait.
What is that?
It's the count, in his autogiro.
I didn't know they had this kind of budget.
Yes, it is l, come to marry my bride.
And you, sir, have been taken by surprise.
Caution. This next scene could get pretty graphic.
Away, rapscallion!
Hairless Lothario!
Take that. And that.
Can I get some slack?
Let the wedding begin.
Don't look down.
Do you, Count Olaf,
take this to be your lawfully wedded wife,
in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Until death,
I most certainly do.
Do you, Violet Baudelaire,
take this--? Count Olaf
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Justice Strauss, l--
I do.
- She doesn't deserve him. - No.
- Are you thinking that? - No, she doesn't.
- Now, all that is left... - Sunny?
...is for this happy couple to sign the marriage certificate,
and this union shall be--
Official
and legal.
Sunny, where's the key? The key to the lock.
Right hand, please.
Children, I'm afraid I must inform you
of an extremely unfortunate event.
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this, but your parents have perished in a fire
that's destroyed your entire home.
These things don't just happen.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Look what I did to your pretty little home.
Let's finish here.
Boss.
What is it? Kind of busy right now.
We've got a problem.
Where are you?
Look up.
Hi!
And so concludes our play!
No, wait, it wasn't a play!
Count Olaf was gonna kill Sunny if I didn't go through with the marriage.
Ridiculous.
No, you have to listen to me.
He was only marrying me to get to the Baudelaire fortune.
No, that part is true, actually.
What?
Violet and I are indeed a blissfully wedded couple,
because, you see,
we were married in an official ceremony,
with official and legal vows
in front of a bona fide justice of the peace.
Oh, my God, what have I done?
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
First order of business,
put the other two brats up for adoption, separately,
into the far corners of the earth.
These children are meddlesome when they're together.
- Mr. Poe! - You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!
For what?
For being a greedy monster!
Come on.
Oh, I'm the monster? I'm the monster?
You're the monster.
Come on. Come on.
These children tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.
No one ever listens to children.
- Come on. - Do you think you're innocent?
You're accomplices.
This certificate says that I have the fortune now.
Come on!
And there's nothing you can do about it!
What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback.
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
Oh, and by the way, you're a terrible actor.
Now, now,
Iet's keep our heads here.
If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level.
Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.
Guilty.
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured,
for crimes too numerous to mention.
And before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree
that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship
- that he forced upon the children. - Yes!
Get out! Get out!
Oh, no.
The Baudelaires had triumphed.
A word which here means, "unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist
and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire fire. "
If only justice were as kind.
Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence.
As for the Baudelaires, what lay ahead for them was unclear.
But one thing they knew, as they climbed
once again into the back of Mr. Poe's car..
They were moving on.
Now, don't worry, children,
I'm sure the authorities will catch up with Count Olaf very soon.
No, no, we'll never have to deal with that terrible man again.
Before we leave,
perhaps there's time for just one last stop.
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny." It's addressed to us.
Look at all these postmarks.
It's been to England and Rome and Kenya and lceland.
I don't even know where these are from.
Who's it from?
Mom and Dad.
It's the letter.
The letter that never came.
"Dearest children, since we've been abroad
we have missed you all so much.
Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels.
One day, when you're older,
you will learn all about the people we've befriended
and the dangers we have faced.
At times, the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place.
But believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad.
All you have to do is look hard enough.
And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events
may in fact be the first steps of a journey.
We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings.
But in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you.
It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life
that you three will take care of each other
with kindness and bravery and selflessness,
as you always have.
And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it:
That no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other,
you have your family, and you are home.
Your loving parents."
Passing the torch is a rite of passage that can take many forms.
But perhaps the least known and most surprising
is the passing of a spyglass.
Dear reader, there are people in the world
who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort
in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves.
There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved.
And they take comfort in researching
and writing down any important evidence.
But this story is not about such people.
This story is about the Baudelaires.
And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something.
Something to invent, something to read,
something to bite and something to do
to make a sanctuary, no matter how small.
And for this reason, I am happy to say,
the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
Edited By Tameem666
Oh, the captain loved The ladies
But he dragged himself A wife
Now he's wishin' he was fishin' But he's on the hook for life
Well, I guess he should not Ought-er
But he drowned her In the water
And then a flounder Downed her
That's why they never Found her
Bum buttery, flit fluttery Dum diddly-ooh
Bum buttery, bluebird Is singing a tune
Daffy-down-dillies awaken And prune
Bursting in bloom All the flowers assume
It's a loverly, loverly spring
Chit-chattery chipmunks All singing along
Humming their Join-in-a-spring-along song
Spring is the springiest time For a song
It's a loverly, loverly spring
In the forest we play With the rabbits all day
We visit the birdies And fishes
There's nary a care When there's spring in the air
The feeling is just Too delicious
Rum-buttery buttercups All in a row
Trilling and thrilling And stealing the show
May is the merriest month That I know
It's a loverly, loverly
La-la-loverly
La-la-la-loverly spring
Subtitle By Rexxar: